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Insane_Siren
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Name: Alexandra
Location: Brooklyn, New York, United States
Birthday: 4/5/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: Music. People, and everything about them.
Expertise: Humor -The ability to perceive, enjoy, or express what is amusing, comical, incongruous, or absurd.
Occupation: Sales
Industry: Other
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  npclove
Yahoo:  jubjubgurl
Member Since:
1/27/2004
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When I get drunk, I think of you.
I wonder how you're doing. What you're feeling. What I could say to make your pain go away and make you realize that you're worth more than you give yourself credit for. Then I think of all the ways the words could be twisted, used against me, make me hurt. I think of sitting under a hot cloudy sunlit afternoon with Ashlie about how I wasn't in love any more. I remember how I remember things differently than they happen to make myself at ease. But what kills me most of all is not all the nostalgia, but remembering all the times I've most frequently wanted to talk to you or have you by my side.
Holy shit.
Does it take a while to get over someone.
I'm reading all these old posts, I made a really tough decision to end a really horrible cycle. I don't need to start a new one. I'm sick with idle, and riddled with other people's preoccupations. It's too much. I feel incredibly weak. But if I can grow strong here than I can do anything anywhere else... supposedly.
But at least I only want to talk to you when I'm drunk now. Not in waking hours and happy moments. I've created enough outside of you to last. I hope. | | |
| I think I get so hurt, lost, or empathetic so easily because I understand incredibly well how people work.
But with great understanding, comes great power. With great power, comes great responsibility. I feel an endless need to be responsible, giving, and guiding. Over and over in waves. All of the time. It's a great strength, to know I'm capable of holding my own, really. I watch so many make misguided decisions based on what they think they should do rather than know.
You should only do what you know.
It astounds me how much people fight, or burn emotionally on the inside, how it translates to those around them. I'm just so fucking sensitive to that sort of thing. Which is sort of ironic, I mean, so many people say they can read exactly what I'm thinking or feeling. If I'm so good at knowing, why don't I hide? I suppose its better to be out in the open with these things. I suppose I like people being able to feel what I feel, or see that something is wrong.
Ugh, but there's just so much room for hurt, or communication when you're close to someone. I spend so much of my time when I am close to people who don't understand themselves sitting and keeping my mouth shut. Speaking as freely as they keep themselves. It's hard to watch an entire conversation go awry, and knowing what words to change, how to make both sides understand what happened, why people feel the way they do.
Doesn't change anything.
Or perhaps it does. It changes my ability to understand the world I guess. When I really break it all down, people are just who they are and what they want to be. That either works out for them or it doesn't. The end. | | |
| It's so easy to go back when you are feeling most lost or hopeless.
I think for the first time in a long time, I am sincerely, and gently, just lonely.
Just.
Lonely.
I have a lot on my mind, and my heart, but I'm doing my best just to let it pass and be. An admirable feat, I feel. It's hard to have a huge wave of emotions that I'm learning to just put my hands up to and say, "Not now. Not this." in a strong way. I used to get lost in a lot of the twists and turns, even reading the last few entries here I'm so impressed with how in depth I am, the ability to express and write myself. That's easy to say, given I'm the one who wrote it I suppose, but its because I spend a lot of my time in the 'outside' world only saying maybe %1 of what I'm thinking. Let alone deciding who to share exactly what with.
I was surprised when I'd asked a friend of mine out of the blue, "Why is it that you know me so well, given the short amount of time we've known each other?" He replied, "Well, I'm good at getting to know people, and you are really easy to get to know." I was sort of taken back.
I'm easy to get to know, this is true, but not so much as this person knows me as. He's very gracious with me, even when I'm just tripping up all over myself. He just nods and let's me be me. Very neutral, very appealing. I'm learning a lot from him, to either be okay with tripping, or seeing myself in a different way that keeps me from tripping. On purpose of course, like I can see when I'm going to trip now and avoid it. Growing! Weird. Somehow I was so convinced that I knew myself so well already. But there's a different part. Somehow he knows it really well too.
It's true, I'm a very open person, and easy to get to know. But I always think that the stuff I end up sharing, the stuff that MATTERS, well, that's harder to comprehend. I'm harder to get that way. But somehow I end up sharing a lot of it around him....
OMG FUCK! I'M IN LOVE!
Just kidding. I already knew this. Haha. Ooooooh round two.
Anyway, there's a lot of running parallels in my life right now. I flipped out when I realized this, and then I realized there was really no reason to freak out. I guess I freaked out because if I end up in the same situation, doesn't that mean I'm doomed for the same result?
No.
I decided no.
Not unless I got so tied up in this that I decided so. Which I'm not going to. Parallels and coincidences aside, there are still choices to be made. This is still MY journey. I still get a say. I didn't think so last time. Last time I gave up a lot of my power because I didn't want to be responsible, or in control. I didn't know how to handle things except to side step every piece of emotional current heading my way and go, "Well, I'm not cleaning that up. You did it." Yeah, people did stuff because I did. Things happened because I was present, or had a will. I just spent soooo much time pretending otherwise, or trying to secretly convince others that they wanted what I did. It doesn't really work that way, not really. I need to live the way I want to, not the way I think I should want to.
Woah. Xanga I love you. | | |
| Being in love with the almighty Lady Gaga, I was looking up what her tattoos are. Here's what her latest one is all about:
"It says 'In the deepest hour of the night, confess to yourself that you would die if you were forbidden to write. And look deep into your heart where it spreads its roots, the answer, and ask yourself, must I write?'" she said.
The quote, in German, comes from the poet Rainer Maria Rilke, whom she described as her "favorite philosopher."
Ugh. UGH! LADY GAGA you have impeccable taste.
Most of my best work comes from the night. I am a slave to it. I am a willing slave driven by artistic desire to accomplish what cannot be done under sunshine. Concentration. Focus. Frame of mind.
The night is just like a red carpet welcoming me to take in flashing lights and attention.
In later news, I'm going to be starting the admissions process for SUNY Purchase (hooray?). I'm going to apply for their art+design bachelor. I need a collection of 12-20 pieces, 2 being still life and 1 being a self portrait.
SELF PORTRAIT?! I'm so freaked. I have a really cool idea where I just do blocks of my favorite parts of my body. The neck, my tattoo, my ear piercing, my eye, the line my breasts make when they're pushed together enough, my feet. The idea behind it is that I don't ever really see myself as a whole person, just pieces and parts that make up a whole idea, the way limbs make up a body. There is no real huge connection.
We'll see where that goes. Its kind of hard to take pictures of yourself, and I haven't been in that kind of mind frame where I'm willing to spend 3 hours trying to get the perfect shot and trying new things. That's why I dont' have that many new profile pictures anymore even. Of course, I could take the easy way out and just paint some picture of myself that I've taken before. Its not that bad an option, but I really like my new idea now anyway. Curse you horrible lighting.
Curse this endless escapade of no sleep. It's almost been 24 hours since I've slept and I am just not tired. It's hell.
But as Lady Gaga says, "The New York native called solitude "something you marry, as an artist. When you are an artist, your solitude is a lonely place that you embrace." The night is definitely a time of solitude, and whether I've said my vows verbally or not, this relationship with myself takes a lot of love and patience.
A LOT.
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| Ghad-Dammit.
Ghad-Damn.
.... I need a blog space where nobody reads. Oh wait, I have one of those. I just don't want to wriiiiite in iiiiit. I'd much rather write stuff here, to which Ashlie will text me later when she gets the e-mail subscription that she'll read months if not years from now, asking me or commenting on it.
*sigh*
But very quickly now, since my coworker is waiting outside right now. Went and saw 'Drag Me To Hell' again at 11:45 pm since it wasn't playing ANYWHERE ELSE, at any other else. That goat... is still awesome. | | |
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